'WIBTA If I didn't pay for my child's education?' : Man Finds Out He Has an 18 Year Old Daughter After She Shows up at His Door Asking For Tuition Money

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  • 01
    Font - Posted by u/ThrowawayUni6532 17 hours ago AITA for not wanting to help pay for my child's University fees?
  • 02
    Font - Hey Reddit. It's been one hell of a month so some things I say might not make sense.
  • 03
    Font - I (40m) recently found out that I have a child, who we'll call Jane (18f).I wasn't convinced at first but everything checks out. When she came to me she told me that she just wanted to get to know her father. I wasn't really interested in a relationship but felt it would be cruel and unnecessary to deny her this. We talked for a while and I didn't really say much it but it was interesting. So after we talk for a while I ask about her mother, "Grace" (40f) and she gives me her number. I re
  • 04
    Font - So Grace and I decided to meet up at a local coffee shop. We have some small talk for while before I ask her why she never told me. Silence. I ask again. Silence. I ask a third time and she told me that she just didn't want anything to do with and wanted to "get back at me". I point out that all she did deprive the child of a father. She says she does. I ask her when did she tell Jane. She says at age 12. So I get confused and am wondering why she only contacts me now. So I ask her why. G
  • 05
    Font - I don't ask Jane why she didn't call sooner because she was a hurting teen and that's life. So Jane and I spend the next week "bonding". Then she sits down and asks to talk. I say sure and sit down. Then she goes on to explain about how difficult her life was living in a single parent household and how money was always tight. Long story short she asks me to pay for her university fees. Now I am well off enough to pay for it without struggle. So I ask to see her grades and to be truly hone
  • 06
    Font - So here's where I might be the AH. I don't want to pay for the fees because, in reality, she is just a stranger with my DNA. And I feel like Jane might just be using me. I mean she has had 6 years to firm a relationship with me and is only doing now that she needs something. I just want to wash my hands clean of her and Grace and move on with my life. I don't want Jane to think I'm her financial lifeline or anything like that. So, Reddit AITA?
  • 07
    Font - Edit to add some stuff because of the comments. 1. I did a DNA test. It was what she wanted me to do to prove herself. 2. Child support laws are different in my country in the sense that: A. You can't claim unclaimed child support if you had the option to claim it. B. Child support can't be settled after 18 unless the father knowingly disappeared and that would take months to process let alone prove. 3. Jane had the ability to contact me. I don't know how much influence her mother had on
  • 08
    Font - JsCTmav 17 hr. ago Certified Proctologist [29] NTA, but neither is Jane. Grace is a tremendous AH to both of you.
  • 09
    Font - I do encourage you to seriously consider contributing to Jane's university expenses (not to say you should or should not contribute, just seriously and honestly consider it). Think about her position - no father in her life and a mother who won't answer any questions she has for the first 12 years - then who knows what context Grace gave her when she finally did tell her? I'|| bet she never said "I never told your father about you because I wanted to spite him and I didn't care what effec
  • 10
    Human body - I don't think you're an AH no matter what you decide, just don't do anything to spite Jane, she's had enough of that already.
  • 11
    Font - The_Dough_Boi - 16 hr. ago There is no reason OP should need to feel sympathetic or be an asshole for not being sympathetic here. Jane while yes is his bio daughter, is really a stranger and only really reaching out for cash.
  • 12
    Font - JustSaying1981 · 15 hr. ago This is my view. I'm also forced to wonder how much contact Jane will keep after getting a payout. It's pretty ballsy to ask for that that kind of money a week after meeting.
  • 13
    Font - Knechttay 14 hr. ago · edited 9 hr. ago I think NTA. Best options are "all I can give you right now is X" or "I'm sorry, things may have been different if I had known I had someone's college to save for, but I have not prepared for that expense."
  • 14
    Font - If she takes out loans, which it sounds like is likely if he doesn't agree to help for a large portion, he can always see if she sticks around and actually seems to want to get to know him without the option of major financial support, and then choose to pay off some portion of her loans when they are due down the line, assuming she continues to make an effort when the possibility of money isnt a factor.
  • 15
    Font - If he says "all I can give you right now is X" or "I'm sorry, things may have been different if I had known I had someone's college to save for, but I have not prepared for that expense." she will either react by cutting contact because she was using him and got a no and that's the end of it, or she will stay in contact if she also genuinely wanted to get to know him. If she stays in meaningful contact, and doesn't make a habit of asking for money or favors, then maybe down the road he mi
  • 16
    Font - Once she's no longer a stranger who may or may not be reaching out now just for a money grab. Then he will be able to have time to see whether her intentions were mostly good, whether there is a bigger place to be had in each other's lives, and can get to know her or find out her true colors without the pressure of that expectation hanging over them.
  • 17
    Font - Accomplished-Plan191 10 hr. ago I have a friend who reached out to her Birth Mom for the first time at 26 years old. It wasn't for money. Like yes, this girl needs money, but there are other reasons to reach out to your for whatever reason estranged parent.
  • 18
    Font - FuckUGalen 16 hr. ago [65] . Pooperintendant Given how difficult getting a straight answer was, we can probably assume that while 12 year old Jane "knew" about OP, their ability to reach OP was limited, and my guess is Grace did not go out of her way to help Jane to have a realistic view of OPs absence from her life. NTA but consider being kinder to Jane than Grace was.

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